Inspiration

I finished my education several years ago. While studying in college and graduate school, I really just went through the motions of what I needed to do in order to get out and start in "the real world."
There is a Zen proverb that says, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Although I have heard this throughout my life, stated in various ways, this proverb has only started to make sense to me now. Not only can this be applied to the formal idea of education, but also to everyday activities. I find that when I try to manipulate a conversation or situation in any way, I struggle and end up at a loss. The conversation or situation is strained and there is a huge loss of energy; everyone walks away feeling tired. Yet, when I let go of insignificant preferences-number 4 in Cicero's six mistakes of man-what needs to be said, what needs to be done, and what needs to happen...will. The right word will be said; the right person will appear, and all will be well.
In this age of information, we all feel lost at times. There is so much information out there to be taken in that we often times drown in this sea of words. Everyone is trying to keep up with the latest lingo, the latest news, or the latest gossip. Participating in group conversations, I have often sat is awe at how much others seem to know about the latest this and the latest that. I would walk away feeling rather guilty that I was not keeping up with everyone else. It was as if I were back in school packing on the guilt for not keeping up with the latest reading in class. I was good at packing on that guilt. That guilt soon led to depression, followed by a low self-esteem. It is no wonder that depression is the number one disease plaguing the world today; guilt from not being able to keep up with all that information is inescapable.
Where can one go where he or she is not responsible for knowing ...something? Church? I don't think so. Even there one feels the need to know exactly where to find this scripture and that scripture. Somehow I felt that my spiritual beliefs were in question if I didn't know which place to turn in my Bible when the pastor gave us the scripture for the day. It was like a race to see who could turn there first. In the end, I stopped looking up scripture at all and just listened to the pastors commentary.
Libraries terrified me; all those books just glaring at me for not reading them. Needless to say, I didn't spend much time there at all.
I found my refuge from the deluge of information in my journaling. I could open my journal to a blank page and breathe. The blank page was peaceful to look at. It offered a field of possibility instead of a small boat to paddle in. Journaling, not my composition teachers, taught me how to write. In my journal there were no mistakes, no page limits, no one to criticize me. The student was ready, and the teacher appeared; I developed a love for writing.
You see, I didn't understand what was really going on in my life in school. All I knew was this paper had to be written and that book had to be read. I did what I needed to do to complete each assignment on time, without gaining the knowledge from the information. My education was centered around time. "I must graduate on time." Not, "I must graduate with an education." I felt a sense of accomplishment in getting all that work done "on time", but a huge sense of guilt in knowing that very little knowledge was retained. Oh, don't get me wrong; I don't think back on my education as a total loss. The education I was getting then didn't come in the form of any book or lecture; my education then was in the interactions with those around me: students, teachers, mentors, family. This education was well worth the time and money spent as I still use those skills today. Yet, those skills don't relieve that guilt of knowing that the only knowledge I conquered was time and punctuality.
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I finally understand this. And you know, I don't have this guilt anymore. I have forgiven myself of this guilt because I now understand what a true education is all about. Libraries no longer terrify me but inspire me. The Bible no longer intimidates me because I finally understand how it is to be used and applied in my life, and it certainly isn't the was I was taught in church. This student is ready now, and the teacher is all around me. Now, I can't get enough books to read. I no longer sit around in awe at how much others know. I sit in silence sifting through to find what I should retain from a conversation and what I should let flow right back to that cesspool of information.
You see, I now know that I am only responsible for what is happening around me right now. I don't have to worry about what is going to happen tomorrow because I know that anything that is needed for that moment will be provided beforehand. This student wasn't ready to understand this concept back in school. But he is now.
I don't know who out there is going to read this. I am just writing because I feel that there are so many others out there who have felt the same. I have come to a new understanding of the world and interactions with people in it by remembering the following.

1. Guilt is only a word that I place meaning to. No one else really gives a care. Thanks to Anthony De Mello, neither do I. There are no mistakes in life, just lessons learned
2. I am only responsible for this moment in time. My thoughts and how I react to those thoughts will tell what kind of a person I will be tomorrow.
3. My teacher is all around me at every moment. I will use the sea of knowledge that rages around me, not let it use(or drown) me.

This year has been an amazing year of change for me, both internally and externally. I give thanks to God readying this student, and placing the right teachers out there.