Values to the Core

 I recently met up with a younger friend of mine with whom I once shared a close intimacy and even a home for a time. As we shared updates, changes, and dreams about our current lives, I was comforted by the realization that I genuinely felt a sense of care, love even, for this friend’s well-being, no longer clouded by all the conditionals from the past. You know, those negotiable conditionals we create and use as leverage on the relationship-poker table. We all do it; we just may not ever admit it. Some may not even be aware of it. But that is for another day. 

Along with that comforting realization, came a feeling of wanting to give something to my friend. To give something valuable to show that I still care. Our conversation continued, and I continued to process what I was feeling and to ponder what I wanted to give. Then suddenly, I was overcome with a sense of calming. But it was a calming feeling mixed with something else. It was like I had just completed an exam or successfully finished a project. It was a calming feeling mixed with a tinge of accomplishment.  I was perplexed.  Why was I feeling this way? And why now? I thought I was trying to figure out a gift for my friend...

We continued to share resent stories, and about halfway through our visit, I was touched  by a subtle insight into why I was feeling that I had just accomplished something. I had just accomplished something.  Something big... I had successfully achieved, what I will call value-transfer, for lack of a better description. You see, I was able to enjoy this visit and happily exchange stories about our current lives because I had successfully transferred the values from things I had once held in esteem about my friend in the past to things I cherish about my friend now. This probably sounds quite simple, right?  So why all the fuss?  Why overthink it?  It is just the way friendships evolve over time.  It is the way any relationship changes and progresses overtime, right? 

Correct. It is the unspoken evolution and underlying growth in the lifecycle of any relationship. Kind of like this:

You meet.

You establish common ground. 

You decide if that common ground is strong enough to warrant more meetings. 

You meet and establish more common ground. 

You also discover foreign ground. 

You clarify and hold to that common ground. 

And you discover more foreign ground. 

Growth slows down. 

You fear losing common ground. 

You negotiate what's common ground and what's foreign ground. 

You fear losing your ground. 

You fear not gaining the foreign ground . 

You fear losing ground. 

Yes, it is the natural evolution of a bond, but there's more. Much more...so let's continue with the above scenario...

With all this focus on finding, negotiating and losing ground, you not only lose that common ground, but you also lose that friend. And the scenario described above is only your side of the situation. Your side that your friend isn't even aware of.  And likewise, your friend has a scenario with finding, negotiating and losing ground that you are not aware of. 

How in the world does any relationship succeed or even make it to the next meeting with so much happening behind the scenes?  How is there growth with so much going on unspoken?

Why was I sitting here feeling a sense of accomplishment, while still processing what I was feeling, juggling stories and life experiences, and all the while assessing myself for any negative feelings or any uneasiness that might creep in that I would have to deal with after the visit ends?  Frankly, navigating that mental process along, while presenting the continued appearance of total engagement is a heap of an accomplishment in and of itself. But I digress...

The accomplishment I was feeling was due to the fact that I had successfully transferred values. I was able to trek through the common ground, foreign ground, loss of ground, and unknown ground successfully, and practically unscathed, because I knew what my core values were. And in knowing my core values, there was no common ground or foreign ground.  There was only my friend. 

And, as if that wasn’t enough to make one jump for joy, I was pleasantly surprised to learn there was more.

The bonus, the icing on the cake, the little added feature to make sure I knew this was a very thoughtful gift indeed, was the epiphany that not only had I achieved value-transfer of things about my friend that I had held in high regard, but I had also achieved this same value-transfer from things I had once held in esteem about myself in the past to things I cherish about me now. Things that I had only just realized are of value.

So, in essence, I had just learned that there is no common ground or foreign ground. There is only me.

Wow...just wow...I discovered the gift. But it was for...both of us.

I didn't know what all was going on behind the scenes for my friend during this visit. But what I did know was that I wanted to share something of value with my friend.

So in appreciation of our visit, I sent the following text. And in appreciation for you, I post this blog: 

Good morning. It was great to see you yesterday. Thank you for your help with my blog site; I really appreciate it.

I’m so excited for you and your new position. You deserve it! You’ve worked hard to get where you are, and you deserve the best.

With your new position, I feel it is even more important for you to complete the core values exercise, to understand what those core values are, and to utilize them in every aspect of your life. 😊I don't want to be that person who constantly puts pressure on you, but I value you as a friend. And it is through my bonds with true friends that I've learned to utilize my core values. In fact, it gives me the chance to appreciate those areas where I still add value and to grow by recognizing new areas of value I didn't know about- a vital skill to have as we travel through the various stages of life.

You’ve expressed many vocational interests of yours from culinary arts to personal training. And you’re in tune with yourself enough to acknowledged and appreciate multiple interests in other areas of your life which is no longer rare, but still as yet uncommon.

All of this is exciting, encouraging, and energizing as you still have many years to create and enjoy a truly beautiful life. And this beautiful life, which you’ve created and are enjoying, you will truly appreciate and cherish, regardless of changes of employers, partners, friends, or even those called family, by knowing fully those values at our core that make up the very essence of who we are.

These core values are our life’s compass. They tell us where we are. They help us decide where to go next. And they instill in us the confidence to move forward fortified with the knowledge that we have done the work along the way, and we have with us rewards of reflection (or fond memories) as a result to carry us onward and upward.

You've heard the phrase, "never look back." By knowing your core values, you won't even have the urge to look back.

That, my friend, is my gift to you—that is the secret to a beautiful life.

Until next time...